Holding back is a kind of dismissal of our desires, ourselves. Why do we hold back? For me it’s because I’m afraid of rejection or that something won’t work out. Our desires are very close to our heart. When something we want doesn’t come about, we feel pain.
But the pain just shows us how important a particular desire is to us. Some desires are fleeting and when they don’t manifest, we shrug because they weren’t really attached to our heart of hearts. Those that seem to have come with our soul into this world, matter and so we want to make them into matter and have them come into our experience. Because they are so important to us, we fear they won’t come into being.
I keep dancing around me deepest desires. I take a little step into them and then I back out. What if it doesn’t work? The truth is what I’m doing right now, what I’ve been doing for a number of years, stems from my desire to be of service. I’ve tried to express it in many ways. Usually I come back to writing. But I hang back for the reasons mentioned above.
The thing is I never stop completely. If something doesn’t work, I try again. It seems I’m not dancing around my desire to be of service, I’m dancing with it. This blog post is a part of that dance. As I write this I’m coming to a deeper understanding.
I hold back less and less as I get older. My deepest desires will manifest if I don’t give up on them. I think some of the health issues I’ve had and have are from holding back these powerful aspirations that want to be embodied. Instead they embed themselves within me. This quote from the Gospel of Thomas has always stuck with me…for this reason. "If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."
Our desires are powerful. We’re here to experience life at the edge of creation. To dismiss our desires is to deny ourselves. Our heart’s desires are Spirit’s desires to experience a particular existence and to continue Its endless cycle of creation, disintegration, rebirth. We are Spirit rising out of Itself and onto the shores of life. Its pull will always be with us, and someday we’ll leave this edge and dive into this Great Sea and realize we never left.
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Learning to Live