On Saturday, I got triggered by a tenant in the building I manage. Another building’s big garbage bin was being moved. I was trying to listen to something so the noise annoyed, but when I realized what it was I got really angry. She was doing it again. My tenant keeps moving the garbage bin that belongs to the building behind us. She seems to think it’s in the way or that it will tip over. But it’s not and it won’t or at least it hasn’t. A couple of weeks ago she pulled it back and then the garbage didn’t get picked up. She had to call the city to come back and get it. Why does she think any of this is her responsibility?
Then I realized I was taking responsibility for her. Why should I care what she does? I do manage the building, but if she’s going to interfere with another building’s garbage bin, why do I care?
I had to walk that one out. I needed to walk off the anger and walking helps me think.
Last week I had a big awakening around how I let others treat me. Well in this situation it seemed that my vague boundaries also cause me to take responsibility for too much. Just like it’s not the tenant’s job to take care of the neighbor’s garbage, it’s not my job to monitor my tenant. So I closed the door, took a deep breath and let it go.
I’m thinking some of my control issues stem from my lack of strong boundaries. When I’m clear what’s in my jurisdiction, so to speak, I can relax. My tenant’s actions, at least regarding the neighbor’s garbage, are not my responsibility. If she hurt herself doing it, I could respond by helping her. It is a choice, but for me taking that kind of responsibility is a part of being interrelated as living beings. We help one another when we can.
We all have responsibilities. We sometimes think of that as a bad word and don’t want to take responsibility for anything. When we give up responsibility, we give up our power. They are intertwined.
Reminder to self: Don’t abdicate responsibility, but know where your responsibilities lie.
You are much deeper, much broader, much brighter than any idea you could have of yourself. ~Harry Palmer
That’s a tough question. Do I value myself?
I’d have to say there a many times I do not. Every time I say yes when I really want to say no. Every time I don’t charge enough for my editing or writing services. Every time I concede a point I feel strongly about. And what about when I don’t feel valued by someone? Does this stem from me valuing myself so little? I think it does.
I was going to go more into value, but I feel called to talk about something else. It’s probably related. It has to do with my rebirthing process. I’m still in gestation mode. I’d like to think I was at the beginning of the next stage, but I don’t think so. Yesterday I went into a complete overwhelm/procrastination meltdown because I had too much on my plate. That tells me I need to slow down again. I’d revved up recently, but it doesn’t feel right.
I’d also forgotten that this rebirth process isn’t just about my business/career. It’s really about every aspect of my life. This is my growing up process that I missed out on as a teen. Health, finances, relationships, it seems everywhere I turn something is in major flux. Of course, this is because I am changing and growing in a big way. And I’m sure I’m making it worse by resisting. I know I’m an avoider, and so when I realized that and decided to release it, it got bigger.
Let’s take this back to a question of value. If I valued myself, what would I do?
I’d make my life simpler.
I’d slow down.
I’d make time for meditation, reading and just plain rest.
I feel myself relaxing as I write these words. There are projects I have to do, but I don’t have to rush around marketing and being seen. I can create a simple marketing plan and stick to it. I can be more focused and just let the rest go. As I rest and let my true self and what I have to offer emerge, eventually I’ll be clear on how I can ultimately serve. For now I’m an editor, writer and card reader. Nothing complicated. All things I enjoy.
I place value on this work. The work I’m doing right now as I write. I’m not sure where it will lead, but I value it. And I value you. My hope is that you’ll value you, too.
Brick by Brick
A soul journey. Building a life